so a week ago i got a phone call that i was not ready for in any way, shape, or form! my 32 yr old cousin Joel Preston McKanna had taken his own life. i really had no idea what to say or do in that moment. and i have to say that a week later, the feeling is pretty much the same! he was married with three amazing little girls who were 6, 4, and 2. he was a hard worker, a thinker, a debater, a son, a brother…and the list goes on.
we went down for a memorial service on monday. it was a long drive there and back! it was good to see family for the first time since Christmas. some had come all the way from TX and IL. but as it was stated that night, “the circumstances suck”! there were pictures of joel and different memorabilia of his as we walked in. my favorite of course was his guitar. i can remember sitting up in our uncle joe’s old room at the farm, as he showed me that new guitar he had gotten. he shared all of the new tricks he was learning on it.
then i saw his three little girls sitting with their aunt stephanie. (well, two of the sat, penelope didn’t really stay in any spot for very long!) joel loved them more than anything in the world and seemed to pour his whole life into them. the little time that i got to spend with them monday night made that very evident.
penelope and i got to play ball and spend some time together. (prior to monday i hadn’t really seen her more than a hand full of times.) but at one point she came running to me like she knew exactly who i was. i swept her up in my arms and she said, “you’re not my daddy”. i had to pull myself together at that point! we went on playing. she even wanted to tackle me right there in the middle of the room. having a 2 yr old of my own made it much easier for me to give in and play along. i even had to eat some of her roll at the dinner following the service.
my heart continues to be heavy, as are my prayers for family. i couldn’t get upset this morning when cooper came in at 5:15am and molly was up at 5:45am…i just held them on the couch. all i could think of was the three little girls that were going back to school this morning. daddy isn’t there to get them ready and on their way.
so i beg you to pray for heather as she cares for and raises sophia, chloe, and penelope on her own. i pray that God protects them and provides for them. i pray that He wraps His loving arms around them and even lets them tackle Him! i pray for my aunt, uncle, and cousin as they move on as well. i pray that God brings them comfort and healing that only He can bring.
let there be NO doubt…
suicide…SUCKS!
so i beg you today, if you are anywhere close to thinking of suicide…TALK to someone until they listen! find a friend, a pastor, a counselor and TALK…know that there is a God who created you and loves you more than anything. and no matter where you are, no matter what you have done, or even what you are doing…He wants to wrap His arms around you and will be more than happy to listen to every last word you have to tell Him. He will even let you tackle Him and wrestle with Him!
let there be NO doubt…
suicide…SUCKS!
My sister-in-law’s mom committed suicide about 2 months ago and it isn’t any better now for her than the day after it happened. She got a memorial tattoo on her mom’s birthday and when asked if it hurt (especially where she got the tattoo) her reply was, ” not any more than not having a mom”. My heart breaks for her and she is a grown woman… suicide does definitely SUCK!
I am so sorry for your loss, and for your family. I know what it feels to lose a child about your cousin’s age to suicide. If you ever just want to talk, please let me know. I don’t think we can understand the mind of someone who feels that much pain. I am so thankful my daughter is in Heaven with our God. She is free of all her inner demons. Our God will supply the needs of those left behind, He really will. I have watched Him work now for 5 years. There just is no pain like suicide.
What a touching post, Jon. Tom and I will certainly keep them close in thought and prayer in the days ahead.
I’m glad you are writing down your thoughts. I know it helps me. I know God gave you extra grace that day to play and play with Penelope. You and Joel have many similarities…makes sense since our dad’s are twins. It was so so hard yet, you smiled and kept playing. I was so proud of you. Praying so much for all involved. Praying for God to heal hearts and call hearts to Him.
My cousin committed suicide at the age of 18…so young and just starting life..what could be so awful at that age (at any age) to do something so permanent. Prayers for your family…we have been there and yes suicide does suck!!
Where the last digital photo taken of the handsome man ends, the stressless body of an angel begins. May God continue to use Joel’s short life to speak life into those who are gasping for breath under a heavy load. Thank you, Jon, for having a Jesus heart for your friends and family. Our prayers are with all the McKannas. Kathy
Praying you and your family. Suicide is probably the most difficult way to lose someone who’s close to you.
I would definitely check out To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). They’re an organization dedicated to suicide and self-injury prevention.
Jon Mark, Those were very kind words for my son, Joel. Yes, I believe suicide must be the hardest way to loose someone. There’s no explanation, there’s no warning, at least not in our case. We’re very thankful for our Lord’s grace as He gives us strength. Every day this week at least once I’ve shared the gospel. I don’t care how the devil tries to stop me. I’m on a mission – I want to see beauty from these ashes that were thrust upon us. Thanks for all your prayers.
Such heart felt words, from Jon and the rest of the postings… Heavenly Father,, you see, you hear, you feel these words of hurt, uncertainty, love, and confusion… help them to grip all these precious feelings you give us and use them earnestly. Help to console them in this confusion, Give them strength and renewal in your almighty love…. Jon—U son of God— U are so very special….. Amen
I just found out. If there is any thing I can do for Joel’s family I will. I will attempt to get his wife’s address some how. It has been a long time since I last saw Joel. I wish I could have helped our at least said goodbye. Ben